I realized I am utterly terrified of total solitude, and of intimacy with the Lord.
If I find solitude- real, raw solitude- what will come out of me?
What emotions will surface?
If I completely open myself to God, what will He say to me?
I realized my terror of the truth of who I am and the reality of intimacy with the Creator of everything, and I was ashamed of myself.
But in this life, what else is the point? Is the point really only to become a Proverbs 31 woman and serve my family, raising my children to further God's kingdom? Didn't God create Adam because He was longing for relationship? Doesn't God want intimacy with us? And isn't He a kind, gracious Lord that we can be our true selves with? After all, doesn't He already know the entirety of our hearts and want us anyway? Why am I so terrified of accepting His offer of closeness?
If I was created to walk in relation with, and to be completely intimate with my Creator, then why is the fear of this intimacy come so embedded in me? Because of the lies the enemy has fed me my entire life.
You're not a good person.
Look at you... what a hypocrite.
Nobody even likes you.
You're turning to food instead of talking this out with God? You're pathetic.
God is mad at you for failing so miserably last night.
You're messing up your children.
God doesn't want you to have more kids. You're already overwhelmed. You're messing up too often.
You're not fit to do God's work.
You're a horrible wife.
These harsh, hurtful little sentences creep into my mind, and over time, I believe them. They are the unseen cancer infecting my heart. Because of them, I am afraid to sit at the foot of the throne of God. I cannot enter His presence because of who I believe I am because of who Satan says I am. I forget that the throne I wish to sit at is the Throne of Grace and that in Him grace abounds! I forget who I am in Christ.
I am free from the law of sin.
I am complete and whole.
I am loved unconditionally.
I belong to Jesus, and the evil one cannot touch me.
And so, with tender steps and a timid soul, I am learning to walk to the throne of Grace, where my Heavenly Father sits waiting for me. I accept his offer of intimacy, and take off my guilt, shame, and leave the enemy's lies at the door. I am a daughter of the King, forgiven and loved, desired and cherished! My purpose is to be in a relationship with Him and for all my earthly relationships to be directly affected by it. I am letting go of the lies, and my walking has turned into running, arms pushing against the wind, feet flying, heart thumping, soul yearning, and joy bursting. This is where I belong.